May

14

I miss the bad old days…

Posted by Commander Mommy

May 14, 2008 |

… when it was acceptable to turn the tables on a bully and knock his lights out.

When I was a child, four – maybe five—years old, my father taught me how to handle bullies. It was the first of many smaller lessons, I’m sure, but I have a feeling that this was the most important one.

We had just moved into our new quarters on another military base. Moves were exciting times back then, it meant new friends and a new room and, well, just new everything. I was especially pleased with this new place because there was a little boy just my age living in the very same building. Oh, how I wanted to be his friend! Anthony was excited about me moving in, too, he just showed his excitement in unconventional ways.

Anthony was, as my mother tells it, a mean boy. He wanted to be my friend just as badly as I wanted to be his, I think. He was just mean. I don’t think he could help it. His parents, after all, were not as cool as mine.

One hot afternoon, he broke a giant dirt clod on my head. It took three washes to get all the grit out of my hair and my mother was fit to be tied (in retrospect, I think she wanted to go show Anthony what ‘cool’ parents do when their children are naughty). My father, on the other hand, gave me my first boxing lesson and sent me back outside to play. When Anthony threw another dirt clod at me, I knocked him down and made him cry. He was nicer to me after that.

Now I’m the parent and my child is being bullied and … I am angry. I’m not angry that he is being bullied, that is something we all must face at one time or another. If you aren’t bullied in school, then it will happen when you are older at church, at work, at the gym. You must learn who you are sometime and bullying can become that crucible. No, I am not angry because he is being bullied. I am angry because the rules have changed.

The same talk my father gave me would get my son expelled or, likely in our sue-happy society, charges pressed against us by the other child’s parents. When my son came home from school and told me that he hit a boy so that he could get away from him (a boy cornered him and kicked him where the sun doesn’t shine), I had to hold my praise in check and caution him to ‘get a teacher next time’. That’s when he told me that he did get a teacher and he got in trouble for hitting. I hugged him.

When things started happening on the bus, I told him, “Just hold on, honey. Eight more weeks until school is out for the summer and those kids will be on a different bus next year.” We talked about it every day when he came home, as much for me to make certain the teasing and bullying didn’t get too physical as for him to get it off his chest so that it didn’t fester.

Then came the day he told me another kid put him in a choke hold and he couldn’t breathe. I have a confession to make, Commander Mommy went into Full Mommy Mode, consequences be damned. I looked him in the eye and told him that he had my permission to kick, hit, bite, whatever he needed to do to be able to breathe.

Just be careful. Don’t bite unless you really can’t breathe and nothing else has worked. Some people have nasty germs in their blood.

Oddly enough, this seemed to give him more peace than anything else I did. He still hasn’t hit one on the bus, but now that he knows he is allowed to defend himself, he is changing. He is less concerned about the physical attacks and more concerned with the words now.

They poke me in the stomach, hit me on the head, and today they slapped my butt and that’s my private part! They are trying to get me in trouble, Mommy. They are trying to get me angry so that I punch them. If I do that, though, they will just get me in trouble. They will tell everyone that I punched them first.

I told you my boys were smart, didn’t I? He is seven going on thirty.

Mommy, will you homeschool me? I am so tired of being picked on.

I am thirty years old and I still get picked on. I told him that and his response was this:

I know. But you can walk away.

He’s right. I can walk away. I spent years telling him not to fight back, to just walk away, to get a grown up and then I kept putting him back on that same bus day after day after day knowing full well what was going on. He can’t just walk away. He can’t (according to the rules) fight back. His only option is to sit there and listen to what they tell him, to try and ignore the constant poking and prodding, the occasional hitting. The longer I think about the conversation we had this morning, the guiltier I feel. I thought I was character-building. In reality, I wonder if I wasn’t trust-breaking. There are times that I really wish kids came with their own instruction manuals. Of course, I doubt I’d read it. I don’t read any of the manuals I already own.

I know what they are trying to do, Mommy. I don’t hit them back because I don’t want to hurt them and because I know what it feels like to be hit. It makes you sad. They know that, too. I know because I told them to stop hitting one of the little kids and asked them how it would make them feel. They told me.

Now they call me ‘Shortie’. They call me ‘dumb’.

What!? You are not dumb.

I know.

You might be short, but you aren’t dumb. You are very, very smart.

I know.

Silence.

I try to forget the words but they’re stuck in my head. I try to ignore them but I can’t.

Captain Awesome stood up for another little kid on the bus. I can’t tell you what it did to my heart to hear this.

He knows no fear, most of his playmates are older and he doesn’t think twice about sticking his nose where he probably shouldn’t. Despite the consequences, I’m glad he did. When I understood why and when the bullying started, I could have cried with joy and pride. But, OH! the things they are saying to my son. He is not dumb, he knows he is smart but words have such power.

Mommy, please will you homeschool me? I’m so tired of being picked on.

I drove him to school this morning because some people have nasty germs in their blood.


Comments

7 Comments so far

  1. Stephanie on May 14, 2008 3:27 pm

    Tell that kid that Miss Stephanie loves him and he makes me proud too!

  2. Christopher on May 14, 2008 7:29 pm

    The hardest thing for me dealing with bullies–sixth, seventh, and eighth grades were probably the worst years of my life–was knowing when to fight back and when to walk away. A group of kids decided to make my life rough in Sixth grade, and telling the teachers and fighting back just seemed to make it worse. In seventh grade I did what my mother always said, “just ignore them” and amazingly they got bored and left me alone. Another kid started giving me a hard time, though, and ignoring him didn’t work. So I finally gave him a bloody nose. He didn’t bother me after that.

  3. Linterambiel on May 14, 2008 8:44 pm

    Poor kid, bullies are awful. I remember one time in I think sixth grade math class, I had a bully who forever wouldn’t leave me and this one other girl alone. In that day and age, you could spank in school, and let’s just say he got a good one for being disruptive. We didn’t see, the teacher took him outside, tired of him disrupting class.

    But can you imagine the outrage from parents today if a teacher did that?

    I absolutely am disgusted with our Sue Happy Nation and lack of regard to accepting responsibility for our own actions having consequences. I fear for the next generation after us.

  4. chopperpops on May 14, 2008 10:55 pm

    Great job writing about such an issue of our time!

    The only good answer to a bully is a bloody nose. Period. That’s all they understood becoming a bully, and all they will understand to stop.

    This isn’t new. Heck, even 25 years ago we were concerned about lawsuits and unreasonable punishment against our little ones for fighting back. The system has just refined it’s unflinching message of intolerance, even against self defense, which is a fundamentally morale postion (giving us a clue as to why the education system hates it). Today’s schools remind me of something that the cynical Lt Tom Keefer said of his ship in Herman Wouk’s THE CAINE MUTINY; that it was “designed by geniuses to be run by idiots.” The evil genius behind the American school was John Dewey, the ‘Brain’ so beloved by the minions of ‘Pinkys’ who humiliate and indoctrinate those who are most precious to us.

    25 years ago I considered the possibility of my children being expelled for fighting back and decided that it would be a badge of honor. If we teach our kids right, they will fight when it’s the moral thing to do - and will continue to act morally for the rest of their lives, defending themselves, their families, their neighbors and their nation. Such morale postions have consequences, and always have.

    You are without a doubt a great Mommy. While I would encourage you to continue questioning your decisions from time to time simply because it is healthy, I would encourage you all the more to trust your instincts. You have an owner’s manual - it tugs at your heart every day. Your hugs and overt pride in your young one will continue to do what no school, teacher, administrator, peer or bully will ever do for him. He will be loved and secure at home, and it will be all your fault!

  5. Kelley on May 15, 2008 8:20 pm

    Hi there, your father works with my husband, Mark Gregory. Somehow, your blog was mentioned, my husband read the recent post, and sent it on to me. We have four children, ages 24, 18, 17, and 15. The oldest graduated from a public high school and the younger three went to public (on military post) elementary schools until I took them out of school and brought them home six years ago. I am now a firm believer in homeschooling and even though my reasons for doing this are not yours, I would like to point out that it is a valid solution to your son’s problem. If you are in any way seriously considering his pleas that you homeschool him, and you would like some information or need questions answered, please email me. I will be more than happy to help.

    Good luck to you and your son whatever you decide. It is a tough world out there and I have heard your story before. If the school is not willing to help your son, then your son is on his own and that is a sad situation. You are helping him the best you can but your son’s school needs to be playing a part in this. It shouldn’t be your son’s responsibility at such an early age. Adults are supposed to protect children.

    I know this is weird coming from a stranger but I am sure your father can at least vouch for my husband.

    Good luck and God bless.
    Kelley
    kllgrgry4@aol.com

  6. Rachel on May 17, 2008 10:39 pm

    Aww I’m so sorry to hear that! I know I can’t really help, I don’t know anything about parenting, or anything about anything really. But, I can at least say that I’ll be praying for you and your family if nothing else :3
    All my love!
    Rachel

  7. Alkibiades on May 19, 2008 2:05 pm

    Hello there,

    I found this link in your signature at TF.N, and thought I’d drop by. Been lurking on this for some time, but I thought I’d reply to this one.

    Whilst I am Dutch, and sueing a kid when he is hit sounds ridiculous to me and is impossible in The Netherlands. A kid below the age of twelve is considered to be non-responsible here.

    I did, however, have the same problems your boy is facing, and of a more recent date. My father, a biologist, always used to tell me young children are like animals: they pick on those that are (perceived) weak, and those that are different. I was either the one or the other, and my father taught me to throw a punch, too, even sent me to a judo school for a few years. His rule of thumb was the old “eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” They hit you in the face once, you do the same to them. If your nose bleeds, his ought to bleed. If you can’t see at the end of the day, neither can he. It served me particularly well.

    Of course, then the second phase, the words, came into play, and against that violence is no option. Ignoring seems to be the only option here, but it is not a particularly easy one… at least on me, it wasn’t. But in the end, and because my parents really became a pest to the teacher involved, it does work. For a bully, no reaction is no pleasure.

    That all happened when I was fairly young; age four to ten, to be precise. I had, however, on a later occasion, an interesting opportunity to study the nature of bullying. I was fourteen years old, and I had just skipped a year, so that I found myself between people a full year older than I was.

    I was more than a bit insecure, for I had never really been accepted in any group. And right on the first day, we were playing baseball on a field, and one of the guys grinned at me, then hit me in the stomach. My father had pressed martial arts lessons on me from age five, so I struck him so hard in the stomach that he doubled over and retched. No one ever touched me again. When I came home, my father told me a tale about human personal space and the territory of most animals. Your body is your territory, and anyone getting their hands on you is fair game. As soon as the bully knows that you are not weak, he will scare off. Why? Because the bully himself is weak. That is the essence here. The bully is really a weak and insecure person. He generally has been or is bullied himself too. In the pack of young children, much like a pack of wolves, he is trying to assure he is above you in the social order. Show him he is not, and he will at least keep his hands off. There is, of course, only one occasion for that, and that is the first time a potential bully makes an attempt. If he is rebuffed, he knows you are not weak, and will not try again.

    Another experience, a few days later, taught me something else. I was sitting on a bench with a few girls and a boy from my year, and the boy decided to make fun of me. I was ’saved’ by a girl I had talked to the day before. She threw him a disapproving glance and raised her voice, and as she was very much one of the dominant members of the group, the rest of the girls backed her up, and he cowered. Bullying is a group thing. If the group does not back the bully, he won’t bully. He bullies to gain some acceptance in the group - if the group punishes his behavior, he will immediately stop.

    Isolate a bully, and all you have left is a scared boy. So, that is what you do to get rid of the bullies: you get rid of the group. That is effectively possible by finding a small band of friends, possible others that are socially isolated, and create a new group. Stick together closely - like 99% of the time - and forget their exists another group. In such a strong subgroup, of maybe four, five members, bullying is effectively resisted by numbers. Someone picks on one, he picks on all. Two or three might do, even one very good friend helps. I made do with one friend in my younger years, but even then, it feels a lot better to go home with torn clothes together than alone.

    Lastly, anyone can become a bully. I’ve often observed the tendency of people who had been previously bullied, to start bullying someone who is new. This is not from evil intent, but merely to draw away attention from their own case. He tries to go from the lowest place on the social ladder, to the place one above that. Watch out your own boy does not become one - although he sounds like a good guy. :)

    I know, I know, long, long. Sorry. Username on TF.N is the same as the name submitted here.

    Good luck!
    Yours, Alkibiades

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