Indecision and the young child

Posted by Summer M

June 26, 2007 |

Almost every mother who has raised a toddler knows about the indecision stage. The stage where as soon as you hand the child exactly what they ask for, they want something else. Lucky as my older son moves into his preschool stage he is moving past this, but we still have moments. Like this Sunday. I took both of my boys outside to play in the afternoon. My oldest begged, complete with jumping up and down and clutching his hands together, for me to get out the water hose and let them play in the water. I smiled and agreed. Less than 5 minutes into the fun and he demanding that I turn the water off. “I don’t like it!” he shouts at me. I try to ask what he doesn’t like, but his mood has already gone foul and no talking will help. So I walk to the faucet. The second my hand is on the knob he is at my side, ripped my hand away and screeching at me to not turn it off. Where before I was aiming the water straight up and letting it rain down, I change plans this time and spray straight ahead. The water comes out in a straight stream about waist level of my sons. Though my youngest loved running back and forth my oldest stood on the sidelines pouting. When pouting turned to tears the fun was officially over.

Here we call it the “Yes/No game”. Though it is absolutely aggravating, I know that he is not doing it to get under my skin. Toddlers are known to be contrary, it is necessary for them to grow a sense of independence. I stumbled upon this blog post called How to Let Your Toddler Be the Parent and You Be the Child. The posts talks about an intersting article from Parenting.com about how to get toddlers do what you want.

“When your child doesn’t want to wear certain clothes or taste new foods, it’s called ‘the oppositionalism of toddlerhood,’” says Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of “The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting.”

While I don’t agree with everything from the article, there is one section that I adore and wanted to point out.

Say, “Yes, but…”

Amanda Paolucci of Newington, Connecticut, loved playing outside when she was a toddler. She’d press her nose against the screen door and plead to go out. “She’d throw a colossal fit if I refused to let her,” says her mom, Julie. But once Paolucci learned the “Yes, but…” trick, Amanda’s tantrums subsided. Instead of saying no all the time, Paolucci now says, “Yes, Amanda, you may go outside, but after dinner.” Or “Yes, you may ride your big wheel, but we need to wait for the rain to stop.”

Toddlers are a lot more cooperative if they just know when they can do whatever it is they want. The younger your child, the less patience she’ll have to wait. So sidetrack her opposition by offering up another activity with your “Yes, but.” You could say, “Yes, you may have a cookie, but first we’re going to make dinner together,” or “Yes, we can watch Dora, as soon as we’ve picked up your toys.” She’ll fight a “no” — a “yes, but” is harder to resist

Most of the opposition is just your child trying to make his own path in the world. In order to do that he has to push against the parent. It is such a big change from being totally helpless into a fully independent person. That transition can be difficult, but in the end worth it. There is a great article over at Today’s Parent called Yes, No, Maybe So that touches on this.

“When your child is indecisive, be patient,” Moore advises. “Respect his need to be in control, especially in a situation like this where it really doesn’t matter.”

toddlers, preschoolers, parenting