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Jun
20
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Posted by Summer M
June 20, 2007 |
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What do you do when your children act out? Well you punish them, of course! That’s the answer you will hear from nearly every parent you talk to. But what about the parents who choose not to punish their children? I’m sure you can see it now. Children screaming, throwing things at their parents, demanding every thing they set their eyes upon. Raging brats pushing farther and farther against boundries that permissive parenting does not provide.
But what if there was another way? What if there was a way to guide your children without punishment but also without turning them into spoilled brats? That is what the people of PARENTING WITHOUT PUNISHING: Growing & Learning in Democratic what to teach us. Phyllis over at Your Parenting Matters shares her ideas on this in her post Punishment vs. Discipline. I had to share where she says:
Punishment may seem to work, but if it really did you would not find yourself punishing a child for the same offense over and over again. Much of the time the punishment has no relationship to the offense. For example, if a child hits his sister he can’t watch TV. If a teen does not respect his curfew, he has to mow the lawn.
So how does a parent deal with raising children without punishment? It can be tricky, and time and again many fall into old patterns that they are used to. But they continue to strive towards what they feel is the ideal way to guide children. I wanted to share a great post that was made on this very topic at a parenting board I am part of. It was certainly an eye opening post for me, and I hope you find something usefull from it as well.
“Don’t let him get away with that!!” “Beat the shit out of him!!!” “Jerk his fucking face off!!!” “Run the son of a bitch to the ground!!!” “SPUR SPUR SPUR!!!!!!!”
That is how I was taught to train a horse at the tender age of 13. I worked and rode in a large training barn that was notorious for taking in the crazy horses any sane person wouldn’t touch. Either my parents didn’t know or care or didn’t care to know that I was riding with an abusive alcoholic so I rode there and was practically raised by this woman for 3 years. At first I thought that’s just what you do. I was taught that the horse would do anything in his power to hurt you if you didn’t hurt him first. It seemed logical, the horses could easily put a bucking bronco to shame. They charged, kicked, bit, reared, bucked, and crushed anyone who dared come near them. Most of them quickly had their spirits broken and were handed back to the owner as a “success”. There was one who had been there for years, and changed owners several times. She had a vendetta for anyone who walked on two legs. Her spirit was unbreakable. I started riding her and tried the same old tricks I had been taught. One day I realized that this horse had been here for 5 years and if beating the shit out of her hadn’t changed her yet, it was time for something new. She reared up with me. She was known for intentionally flipping over backwards to crush her rider. If she flipped now, we would both be going through the viewing room window where there was a crowd of people. I knew I was supposed to hit her head to get her back down, but I sat. I waited. She waited too. It felt like we were up there forever but she dropped back down and stood there motionless. It was like she was asking me “are you sure? Aren’t you supposed to beat me now?” I patted her neck and asked her to walk forward. From that moment on she never again acted up with me.
I realized right then that not only was punishment unnecessary but it was causing the behavior that “required” punishment. Now when a horse acts up with me, I ignore it and just ask again for him to do as I wanted. I lead a stallion every day and at first he tested me to see what kind of a person I am. He would stop, swing his body around and back up. I would just calmly talk to him and stroke his neck to get him to calm down. As soon as I had him calm I would ask him to walk forward. After a few days of this he stopped testing me all together. I can walk him up with no problems. The lack of punishment obviously did not ruin him nor cause him to act worse. Instead what could have been a huge battle was over in seconds and the “war” was over in days. It has been this easy, every time, with every horse I have worked with since I left the punishment based barn.
When my daughter was born it was logical to me that what I had concluded about punishment and training horses would apply to children as well. I refused to listen to the cries of “oh she’s just manipulating you, you can’t let her do that! You have to be the boss!!” It sounded all too familiar. She began her temper tantrums at 7 months. She screamed for an hour because I wouldn’t let her rip the wallpaper down. I sat calmly with her and held her if she wanted me to or just waited for her to be done. I don’t give in to what she wants and I also don’t punish her. Since that one time she has never touched the wallpaper again. So it goes with all of her tantrums. She cries, I comfort her and explain why I am saying no and we don’t have the issue come back up. She’s still young so I don’t expect it to be this easy forever but I am certain that by not using punishment we can avoid many big battles.
Even when punishment does “work” as it did with myself as a child, the results are anything but desirable. The horses I trained that eventually gave in to the threats of “do as I say or I will beat you or tie you in a stall” were no longer the beautiful creatures I admired. They were nothing more than hunks of flesh plodding along for the rest of their miserable lives. Yes they were “good”. They would do what they were told without a complaint. But they were not the show winners. They were not the ones who took your breath away by their beauty. They were a dime a dozen. Children are the same. They are praised for being “so good!” when they are seen and not heard. They come to depend on being told what to do for the rest of their lives; from their parents, friends, teachers, bosses, and governments. They will listen to anyone but themselves. They are destined for a life of mediocrity; finding their place in the wheel and nothing more. The ones who have not been broken or the ones who have mended their spirit, they will be the ones who will create the change this world so desperately needs. They will be our leaders.
My daughter’s spirit is what I admire the most about her. Yes she is helpful and compassionate. She loves to help me clean and she comforts her crying friends with hugs kisses and toys. But in all honesty, when I am most proud of her is when she is not backing down. When she puts up a fight I can see her true beauty and strength. I realize in those moments that she listens to me because she trusts me, not because she is afraid of me and it makes the times when she is compliant so much sweeter.
punishment, 
discipline, 
children, 
parenting
Comments
you seem to hit both end of the spectrum. I think the best approach is somewhere in the middle. There’s no doubt that unconditional love, understanding and guidance are super important but so is letting your child know where the boundaries are that they can’t cross. Actually i think what you describe is why it’s super important to have both a mom and dad in the picture.